Graduation Realization

So, I’m graduating in a week. 7 days. Well, technically 7 days from this time I’ll be a college graduate. I don’t know quite how I’m supposed to feel about this. Excited, I guess, maybe scared. Currently though, it doesn’t seem real. Is that normal?

The realization, right… I completely forgot the sudden realization that I had. I took a break from paper writing and went to the bar with two of the best people ever, got a little tipsy and fell completely head over heals for someone.

Now I’m sitting in our art building on campus, watching the two of them paint and make beautiful art, while listening to Adele and everything just seems so right. I wish this was my college experience start to finish, but maybe that’s what this realization is supposed to be. That sometimes you wait your whole life to find the people you belong with, just before they’re taken away. So, you have to cherish the moments you have with them and not let everything bog you down some much.

These are the moments I’ll treasure for the rest of my life, grad school or not.

Sex Ed Never Told Us About This Kind of Desire

I've noticed that I never really explained how much I want to go to graduate school and the motivation behind this whole quest...so to further procrastinate Paper Palooza, I think I'll take this lovely opportunity to do so now.

Hmm, so where to begin.

I've never really thought about school ending. When I was in high school it was always just assumed I was going to college, even if I ended up at  a University I'd never heard of and only went to because of their marching band, which I quit, and that happens to be the capital of bumblefuck nowhere.

I sort of had the same mindset in college, that this wasn't the end. So I didn't think about what I was going to do after college, that was simple, I was going to graduate school. Now what I'm facing is the terrifying fact that getting into graduate school is not as easy as getting into college. Nothing about this process is easy, nothing. I'm facing the idea that I might not get in. I might not be good enough. This is horrifying.

I don't know what I'll do if I don't get in. I don't have a plan, a job, a real place to live. I have nothing without school. I am school. It's what I do, it's all I've ever done and all I want to do. Hell, I want to be a college professor!

I mean sure there are other things I could do, but there's a huge difference between doing something you want to do and doing something because you can do it. Doing something just because I can and just because I wasn't good enough means that I'm like everyone else in my family, nothing. And I don't mean to look down on my family, they will always be a part of me and where I came from, but they're not who I want to be. If I wake up one morning ten years down the road and I see my mother's worn out eyes, worry lines, and mouth that hasn't seen a real smile in who knows how long, I don't even know what I'd do, but it wouldn't be pretty.

I need grad school. It's my way out of this. I need it like I need air. I won't survive long without it. I won't know what to do with myself. I'm freaking out now at the mere though of not getting in...what would I do if I actually didn't.

The thing that is freaking me out the most now is that there's nothing I can improve besides my personal statement. Which is why it's taken me so long to write the damn thing. It HAS to be perfect. I can't go back and change my grades. I can't apply myself more, I can't do more now. The personal statement is the only thing I have to improve, but it's also the only thing holding me back. It's never going to be perfect. Someone will always have something negative to say about it. It just needs to be good enough. I need to be good enough.

I've tried to do everything the books tell you to do: I've contacted professors from them program, I've been talking to them, letting them know who I am and trying to get a sense of their research. I'm writing the damn statement, trying to make it different, but not too different. I'm trying to get everything done. I'm doing the research I just presented at a conference, but is it enough?

It doesn't feel like it. Not when I get back from the prof an example of what a CV should look like and it's got all this experience, like being a lab assistant, papers upon papers, conferences...it just goes on and on and I'm left feeling completely inadequate.

I want to get in so badly. Through the sarcastic postings, I think you can still see that. I'm not really cocky or arrogant. I don't think I'm the shit. I don't really think I'm good enough. I don't think I'm actually going to get in. I don't think anyone really does.

I just wish I knew what people really think. People like my advisor. Does she really believe in me, or does she just say that in an attempt to not make me feel like shit. What about the prof I sent my CV and statement to? Does she think I have a shot in the dark? I wouldn't dare ask because she'll honestly tell me no and then I'll just feel even worse.




Ugh! This is stupid.

Just poured my first cup of coffee for the night...maybe that'll make me feel better. I swear I'm not usually this pathetic...

This song sums up my feelings about grad school and why I need to get in. It's a beautiful song, so just listen to it.

Paper Palooza, Personal Statements and other Perfectly Peachie Parts of my life

'P' seems to be the theme of today...mainly because I'm a little pissed off. Last night I was going to my fav place to write papers (Dennys) since I live in a world where the library closes at 11pm even the week before finals...LAME!

Dennys is 30 miles away and the best part is they give you all you can drink coffee for $2 and they won't let you fall asleep! Perfect Place to write Plenty of Papers, right? Well I thought so too. On the way though, of course, I get a flat tire and I mean flatter than flat, it was down to the rim of the tire and I was PISSED! These were brand new tires and I just got my car back. So I'm on the side of a major highway (Well as major as the highways get out here in boonie county USA) in an absolute Panic. Luckily I had a level-headed friend with me and she calmed me down, told me to just smoke a cig or something and we started to change the tire. Mission accomplished...about an hour later.

Other than that, once I got back to the university I dropped my friend off and had to park my car...in the farthest parking lot away from the dorms and it was about 4-4:30 am. So I called the Po-Po for a ride. He was nice about it and was jamming out to Love is a Battlefield (awesome!).

After that Pathetic excuse for a night, I slept in for a bit, only to wake up to an e-mail from the professor I sent my personal statement and CV to...

**Just a warning: If you send your personal statement and CV to a prof that you know is going to rip it a part (and you want them to do so) it might no be the best idea to read their comments first thing in the morning**

Basically, I need to cut out about half of the stuff and beef up other parts, change wordings and stop sounding like a pompous asshole...yeah I expected that, but it was definitely an *ouch* moment early in the morning that I was caught off guard with.

I have a new direction ow though, so thats good at least. I'm sending it to her again on Monday...when she'll probably tell me its too boring now and something they've heard before. It'll help me in the long run though, so I'm sucking it up and putting my big girl panties on.



Oh about this Paper Palooza thing. Yeah, so sometimes I feel bad for professors because they have so much work to do...I hope to be in their shoes one day so I try to sympathize, but at this point I'm getting a little testy.

If I'm not allowed to complain on facebook about all the papers I have to write and get made fun of in class (not just me but as a general thing) for talking about the progress of papers, then profs shouldn't be alowed to complain about grading them. Yes I understand that I'm only writing one paper for your class and you're reading 25-30, but my writing involves a lot of research, it takes longer to write the paper than to read it and your class is not the only one I have papers to write for.

There is one main difference between my bitching and yours. You are in control of how many papers you have to read and grade by how many you assign. I'm not in control in how many papers I have to write...that's also up to you.

Paper Palooza is my attempt to write 50-60 pages of papers by Thursday of next week. It's going to be fun-and-exciting-and-I'm-going-to-keep-smiling-and-talking-like-I'm-really-peppy-through-this-whole-thing-so-I-don't-attempt-to-hang-myself.

I'm armed with two coffee pots, a bag and a huge folders container of coffee, two milk bottles from our cafe, sugar packets out the wing-wang and Pixie Sticks :) for good measure.

So far in Paper Palooza i have complete 6 short write-ups for my scholarship and...well this blog. So much for not procrastinating! And with that I'm getting back to work! Wish me luck!

Update! Let's make that 6 write-ups and a Witches paper! Boo-Yah

(Grad Applications = Ducking) + My Mother = Confusion

I told the analogy of comparing ducking (refer to previous post) to the grad school application process to my mother. She didn't find it funny. She didn't really get any of my grad school jokes...

At least some of my friends get where I'm coming from and told me it's relate-able. I think so too, but then again...I would.

That's truly all for today...it's almost tomorrow anyway! Happy almost friday!

Caffeine, Rolling Admission and other things that I love so much

Wow, so it's been a while. My last post I said I had 5 months until I graduate...well that's changed slightly...I now have 9 days.

So some  updates:

1.) Women's Studies is where it's at! I grew some ovaries and told my advisor and guess what...she was completely chill about it! I should have known, I mean really, she's awesome.

1a.) What kind of potential grad student describes someone as "chill"...probably shouldn't add that in my ps

2.) Personal Statement Blues is a SERIOUS condition! If you find yourself in the PSB you need to seek help immediately, do not attempt to fight this on your own. I speak from experience seeing as I JUST finished a complete draft at Denny's a few nights ago. I've had so many people look at it in the past day or two it's ridiculous! Now it's in the hands of a psych prof  that has had seven years experience on an admissions committee, plus she's the type of person that doesn't give two shits about anyone else's feeling when she's criticizing them. I know this is what I need and it needs to be ripped apart by her instead of an admissions committee, but I'm still terrified. She'll be looking at it tomorrow and I'll be back tell you my woes of never wanting write another word again. I just hope my ego can survive the massacre enough to rebuild the statement...

3.) Did I mention I graduate in 9 days? Oh I guess I did, well before those 9 days fly right by I have between 50 and 60 pages to write for my three classes and independent study. I'M. GOING. TO. DIE. Normally I wouldn't think 50-60 is that bad, but in a week?



So, caffeine is a wonderful thing. Last week I didn't sleep from Sunday night to Friday...papers, presentations and pissy professors (OH MY!). Once again I was told by a doctor that I wasn't allowed to have caffeine anymore. I don't know how these people got their degrees! Honestly, if I tell you that I'm trying to get into grad school, you should know that caffeine is a major food group to me!

This whole no caffeine thing came up about this time last year...I had four pots and blood vessels exploded in my eye during  final. It wasn't a huge deal or anything, just looked like someone stabbed my eye with a needle a few dozen times. There was no permanent damage so I really didn't see what everyone was freaking out about.

I can't stand when professors say things like "Jess, I'm worried about you" or "You really need to sleep"...um well stop giving me huge papers to write and tell your colleagues to do the same, there's your solution!

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, rolling admissions.

As always, I have managed to put everything off until the last minute. Drexel was a no go. I know, its disappointing. I had a half assed personal statement and my grades just weren't good enough, not that they suck, but then again it was Drexel.

Side Note: When the spellcheck on here tried to correct "Drexel" they suggested I meant Durex...not exactly, but I'm glad someone is getting some (Switch brands dude! Durex sucks!)

I've finally set my mind on Women's Studies. Currently I would kill to get into EMU (Eastern Michigan University) Honestly, I would. I even told this to one of the counselors at work the other day. He said he'd help me hide the bodies (that's the kind of boss I need lol). I'm also applying to Towson in Maryland.

Funny story about Towson. The president of my current university went to Towson. Not only did she go there, but she taught there, was a dean there and created their theater program. Now being the outspoken person I am...I tend to yell at our president...A LOT. In fact once last year I told her I was ashamed of her and this university and that I was disgusted with her administration. You would think she would hate me, but no, for some reason this woman LOVES me! She can't sing my praises enough and it blows my mind. Sometimes I think she's bluffing, but no she legit loves me. Well, she offered to write me a recommendation for Towson and "make a few calls". How many people can say that their president knows them well enough to write them a recommendation? I'm guessing not that many.


Rolling Admissions are a beautiful thing. It allows me to have as many freak outs as I need to have to get everything done. The only thing is, I want to get my applications in now. This whole process is so draining! Once again referring to my History of Witches class, we learned about something called "ducking" the other day. This is when you throw an accused witch into a lake or some other body of water. If she floats, she's a witch, so you burn her to death. If she drowns she was innocent and the townspeople fucked up. Some consolation to the poor woman you just drowned! The grad school application process is like ducking. If you sink and don't make it then you fail. If you make it, you're only tortured more later on with theses and dissertations and all of that nonsense. Somehow this seems like something worthwhile to those of us on this quest...I'm having doubts...blasphemy!

One more cheesy quote, then i promise I'm done for the day: "Pick me, choose me, love me!" Meredith Grey, summing up the grad school application process, how cute.