I've noticed that I never really explained how much I want to go to graduate school and the motivation behind this whole quest...so to further procrastinate Paper Palooza, I think I'll take this lovely opportunity to do so now.
Hmm, so where to begin.
I've never really thought about school ending. When I was in high school it was always just assumed I was going to college, even if I ended up at a University I'd never heard of and only went to because of their marching band, which I quit, and that happens to be the capital of bumblefuck nowhere.
I sort of had the same mindset in college, that this wasn't the end. So I didn't think about what I was going to do after college, that was simple, I was going to graduate school. Now what I'm facing is the terrifying fact that getting into graduate school is not as easy as getting into college. Nothing about this process is easy, nothing. I'm facing the idea that I might not get in. I might not be good enough. This is horrifying.
I don't know what I'll do if I don't get in. I don't have a plan, a job, a real place to live. I have nothing without school. I am school. It's what I do, it's all I've ever done and all I want to do. Hell, I want to be a college professor!
I mean sure there are other things I could do, but there's a huge difference between doing something you want to do and doing something because you can do it. Doing something just because I can and just because I wasn't good enough means that I'm like everyone else in my family, nothing. And I don't mean to look down on my family, they will always be a part of me and where I came from, but they're not who I want to be. If I wake up one morning ten years down the road and I see my mother's worn out eyes, worry lines, and mouth that hasn't seen a real smile in who knows how long, I don't even know what I'd do, but it wouldn't be pretty.
I need grad school. It's my way out of this. I need it like I need air. I won't survive long without it. I won't know what to do with myself. I'm freaking out now at the mere though of not getting in...what would I do if I actually didn't.
The thing that is freaking me out the most now is that there's nothing I can improve besides my personal statement. Which is why it's taken me so long to write the damn thing. It HAS to be perfect. I can't go back and change my grades. I can't apply myself more, I can't do more now. The personal statement is the only thing I have to improve, but it's also the only thing holding me back. It's never going to be perfect. Someone will always have something negative to say about it. It just needs to be good enough. I need to be good enough.
I've tried to do everything the books tell you to do: I've contacted professors from them program, I've been talking to them, letting them know who I am and trying to get a sense of their research. I'm writing the damn statement, trying to make it different, but not too different. I'm trying to get everything done. I'm doing the research I just presented at a conference, but is it enough?
It doesn't feel like it. Not when I get back from the prof an example of what a CV should look like and it's got all this experience, like being a lab assistant, papers upon papers, conferences...it just goes on and on and I'm left feeling completely inadequate.
I want to get in so badly. Through the sarcastic postings, I think you can still see that. I'm not really cocky or arrogant. I don't think I'm the shit. I don't really think I'm good enough. I don't think I'm actually going to get in. I don't think anyone really does.
I just wish I knew what people really think. People like my advisor. Does she really believe in me, or does she just say that in an attempt to not make me feel like shit. What about the prof I sent my CV and statement to? Does she think I have a shot in the dark? I wouldn't dare ask because she'll honestly tell me no and then I'll just feel even worse.
Ugh! This is stupid.
Just poured my first cup of coffee for the night...maybe that'll make me feel better. I swear I'm not usually this pathetic...
This song sums up my feelings about grad school and why I need to get in. It's a beautiful song, so just listen to it.
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